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My Life Stops at 25, and Here's Why : A Beginning

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Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Hanna always suited as a very strong person and ambitious about her goals. 

That's what I thought in my early years of teenage life. I used to be compared with my little sweet younger sister by family and their friends. I can't blame it because I recognized I have emotional instability and a poor academic record than my sister. I never see how my parents angry at anyone with really harsh words except to me. While bearing my family name is never a good thing I guess in my teenage years. I hardly socialize with people who have a really normal life than me. I've been studied around 10 to 13 schools I guess, excluded the homeschooling period when my parent need to take care of my transfer school documents. I admit that I'm not the smartest in the family, which made my parents really worried about what's kinda future I will have (and still now). So they keep me put in great schools but I cant improve my academic record but making my way in my extracurricular record. Yeah, I loved spending my time in the library, reading, sometimes check-in in on some books. The librarians in my first junior high school made me and several friends who love to stay at the library into a librarian club. We have a job to make sure all book distribution to students went well, that time is the most happiness I was in my teenage years. 

I love to talks for hours, and they called me a talkative and cheerful person, but I feel nothing. Its loneliness hit me when I was in high school. It's a really new environment, a different type of teachers, and also different types of friends. I used to be really saving my own pocket money to buy good stationery, I love to write on paper with a pen sometimes a pencil so the good product will help me to do my hobbies. However, I recognized that cost of living in my high school was beyond expensive than my expectation. The study group's money, socializing, and offcourse meals. I lived separately with my parents at that time so my pocket money is limited too even tho I did have the privilege of having my ATM card with a limited amount to cash out. Because my high school really far from home (and there's no so-called middle east ring roadway in 2010 somewhen), I paid a monthly fee for transportation by school's affiliate cars with Monday to Friday schedule. But I need to figure out alone what I use for getting me to school on a weekend. Since I'm not really good at my academic record,  I need to get a supplement class so I can keep up with my friends in the class, and also try out every month. I had a very hard time socializing and keep throwing up my mind without filtering it on Facebook, cause some chaos especially my class in my all-girls class. There's a time I used to spend my rest time between lessons with turn off the class lamp, sit under my table, eating, and doing my homework, or trying new test sheets. Due to my bad socializing things, I keep getting dragged to be in a group of classmates I hardly know by my teachers. It's just I feel distant and disconnect every time with them. 

High school was my best period of studying like I did a study like crazy there, I had a great amount of homework and monthly project too. But I missed all my deadlines and yeah the implications I need to finish it in a day. I went to the counseling room almost every week and my headmaster's room every month. I feel I hardly adapt there so I decided to go to a psychologist in one facility of my school's foundation. I tried to adapt but I can't. Money involves in this matter. Friends used to buy lots of branded things that I can't afford. There are also some friends that used to borrow money from me. I decided to keep my life on track in high school, I sell things from food to knitting tools (we have a class about it, an extracurricular one). I saw the light that I can't go through all these so I applied to some writing competitions also the economic olympiads. I did the best record even tho no winning one.  But my pain is hard to heal, I did cry and stutter a lot when presenting my work or debating especially if it's for competition. Adrenaline rush keeps coming at me, made I ended up starring blankly without words. 

Entered universities, yeah double degree that is no longer a double degree anymore. I pushed my limit really hard, making my usual periods more painful than usual. So I went to ob/gyn for check up. The result are normal but they refer me to a psychologist. So, I told my stories, what's my worries. 

My mistakes there, I fell to someone and that's a really hard one. I lost my direction in life at 25. While people keep blaming me for my failed one degree, I have a hard time moving on. Yeah, I can say in specified time that I'm really thankful for being dropped out in that degree, in that campus. But at another time, I keep blaming myself, my old past, and my current me. The cycle is never ended. I tried a lot of things to from visiting counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists. I tried to divert my attention from negativity but it's hard. I hardly sleep well and wake up early unless my schedule needs me to do so. I have a very short attention span. And the most complicated part is I'm afraid to write academically and professionally again, To speak out unless it's work-related things. People keep treated me as Hanna who cheerful, talkative, and ambitious. But at the end of the day, I broke down and shut myself. Sometimes grabbing scissors and cutters, but I can't cut myself. I didn't have the courage to live and die, it feels day went one by one doing nothing. It's just me, taking lots of things to do to make me focus on kindness but not for me. And it feels really empty even tho you have everything in life. In the day, I act really professionally on things to do, but at the night, I can't sleep well. I keep waking up, crying, laughing sarcastically, and crying again. Sometimes I ended up watching Korean dramas or reality show in order to sleep. I couldn't read lots of pages from the book I used to love. 

I never know my keep-changing emotions are symptoms of myself doesn't feel healthy. I used to cry at least 3 hours a day. Even when I'm driving, I keep bawling and forget about my thick makeup to cover the swollen eyes. Wondering about myself keep dealing with it, I tried using halodoc psychiatrist for the first time. Pandemic makes me less moving unless going to the hospital when dad's hospitalized for around four months. I have someone that I love dearly but the distance and time zone really separates us so talking about me and us is hard to do too. I dealt with my random emotions alone because I worried if people worry about me. Asking me lots of questions even tho I love to talk with people or writing letters. I'm worried if those talks ended up as gossip materials. 

I was emotionally eating too. I ate a lot cause I kept drained up physically and mentally. Gaining a lot of weight and trying to diet but it will come back as soon as I start to eat. I have a love and hate relationship with food and my body. Sometimes in good mood, I eat smaller portions. In a very bad mood, I eat lots of food. Some people pampered me with food, and I ate it without consideration of my body. There's a time I hate taking pictures of myself, especially when after having talks about body figures. Some people tried to make me feel secure about my body, telling me it's really beautiful and I only need to love myself, to enjoy, and thankful for what my body does for me. It allows me to do extremely tight schedules before, to enjoy great foods, but now, my body needs rest. My mind needs to recover too. 

So, one day, I took a plunge of the courage of telling my doctor in the clinic that I want him to refer a psychiatrist to me. Well, as an avid user of BPJS Kesehatan (Indonesia public healthcare insurance), I thought the process will be difficult. But the doctor kindly discusses what I feel and thought of myself without any prejudice before writing his reference letter to a psychiatrist.  Thanks to Klinik Siloam, I've got referred to a psychiatrist in a bigger hospital. The clinic is really helpful on everything. The staffs are nice, asking more proper questions, and check my conditions really details. I feel really safe to share my health worries there, and I got a reference hospital with my schedule in my own choice. 

I guess this is for my very first post talk about my medication. The second one will upload soon. How about my diagnosis to what's administration process I went thru. Writing this post made me have flashbacks and I'm glad that I didn't cry about it (seems my antidepressant kicked in nicely while in my very first day period). I used to have a very bad first period day, but today, it feels manageable, only sleepy maybe. 

See you soon in the second post. I will talk about the deeper and darkest side of myself there. Thank you for reading this and if you have questions or want to share, please kindly use the comment section below.  Thank you so much and see you soon. 

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